Leave it to a sinistral to screw up your morning

Entry for November 08, 2005

Leave it to a sinistral to screw up your morning, eh?

I've a serious gripe. Left-handed people should not be allowed to use twist ties. ...I'll elaborate. When am I usually confronted with the intricacies of a twist tie? Nearly never, I'll admit. But on occasion, I'll be freeing a slice of Wonder Bread from its plastic multi-colored cocoon in the wee hours of the morning when the most complicated contraption I should take on would preferably be the rampant eye booger. This is at a time of squinted-eye and fumbling limb as the body reacquaints extremities to the wonderment of blood-flow. This is certainly not the time to find yourself at the meager end of a once elongated paper-covered wire that has now been twisted to only the bitter ends of nothing because some 'leftie' has twisted the damn thing in the wrong circular direction. No sir. At this point, the ability to focus is not entirely within grasp. At this point, I should want for little more than a springing open of thin plastic baggydom and the scent of fresh bread as it wafts from behind the two-to-three martyred end pieces of bread going stale in order to save those pieces that lie beyond. I mean, really, is this too much to ask? Is it? I think not. I shouldn't be forced to wake up my brain, scrape out the eye sludge and actually FOCUS MY EYES only to discover I've twisted myself into a knot. A knot, mind you, that would have never existed were it not (no pun intended, yet still appreciated) for some unaware genetic anomaly known as the left-handed person. It's really too much for me to deal with. Either twist with the correct hand or the correct direction. Either or both is acceptable. We simply mustn't cator to the freaks, folks. (Said the tree-hugging atheist) I just want my Wonder bread. Not to wonder why I've yet to acquire bread. I've no room for tolerance. Screw everyone who sees things differently. We're not all special. Some of us just plain suck. Power to the majority. Who needs diversity? Power to the majority, no matter their ill-conceived and unconstitutional macarthyistic rantings!

Okay, that may be a case of stretching an analogy a bit too far.

My point being, some things are just too significant to ignore. I can only bend so far people. Only...so...far... before I break. I think this twist-tie thing is that point.